Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize