yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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