I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
