Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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