i jhust puked up my retainher.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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