I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
