Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
