i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
