Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
