i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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