Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
