I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
