I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
