Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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