it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just invented taco cereal.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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