After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
