were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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