Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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