so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
