pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
