Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
