oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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