PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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