he wants to bone in the snuggie
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
