If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
