Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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