Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
