i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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