You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
