My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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