When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
