You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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