Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
