So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
