the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
