i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
