so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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