That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
