drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
