so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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