I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
