Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
