Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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