if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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