I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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