Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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