Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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