She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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