Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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