You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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