the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
did i walk over a car last night?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
