I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
