I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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