Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It was a blind-side dick pic.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
