dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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