I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize