DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
