This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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