If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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