Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
