The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
