Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
