I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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