My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
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