My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
