After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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