i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
