Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
These tits shall not be calmed
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
