why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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