I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
