My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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